


Thank You

by Fitz_Stark_Stan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Temporary Character Death, Emotional Dean Winchester, First Kiss, Grieving Dean Winchester, Happy Ending, M/M, Mixtape, POV Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Season/Series 13, Temporary Character Death, Understanding Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 14:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20967860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fitz_Stark_Stan/pseuds/Fitz_Stark_Stan
Summary: After he watched Castiel die at the hands of Lucifer, Dean tried his best to keep his emotions at bay. It was after deciding to listen to the mixtape he’d given Cas, that Dean found he couldn’t do that.Dean was tired of losing the people he loved.He just really needed a win.





	Thank You

Dean was always good at hiding his emotions. He squashed all his feelings into a tiny bottle inside and plugged it up. He was a warrior, he was a strong man who should never cry, and never show weakness. At least that’s the man John Winchester raised him to be. So, Dean grew up believing bottling up his emotions was how he was supposed to lead his life. He grew up believing that it was far easier than letting all his feeling spill out into the open for every one to see. 

It took Dean 9 years to realize that was complete bullshit.

It’s not like he hadn’t ever cried in his life. Hell, he’d cried like a baby when Sam died, and when he told Sam of his time in Hell. He beat himself up for it too, for being so weak. 

It took years and years of growing, evolving and learning for Dean to finally understand how shitty it felt to shove everything down. He understood now that that little bottle only lasted so long. Eventually, the dam broke, and everything came flooding out in hot tears and broken mirrors. And it hurt. God, did hurt. Feeling all of that at once, felt like a heard of freakin horses stampeding over his chest. 

But even if Dean figured out how much it hurt when the dam broke, he still couldn’t stop himself from shoving everything away. He didn’t have time let himself break down. He was too busy saving the freakin world. He was always saving the world, and there was always never any time. 

So, when he watched Cas die, again, he shoved every ounce of gut wrenching agony down into that little bottle. He watched on, a deep numbness claiming his entire being, as the flames of the fire consumed Cas’s empty body. He said goodbye with an even tone, and let all the numb take over. 

It was after they’d gotten home, and Dean walked past Cas’s room that Dean felt the first tug at his heart. The room was rarely ever used, seeing as Cas never slept. The bed was neatly made and the walls bare. The only sign that anybody lived here was the desk tucked against the right wall. The chair sat crooked in front of the desk as if someone had gotten up an not bothered to push it in. Strung atop the desk we’re several books, pieces of paper, and a framed picture of Sam and Dean. The thing that caught Dean’s attention though, was the mixtape sitting on the corner of the desk. 

Releasing a shaky breath, Dean walked into the room. He reached out towards the mixtape and picked it up. He rubbed the label reading ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx’ written in his awful chicken scratch. He’d seen Cas listening to it several times, and every time it set his heart fluttering. 

Even then he’d known how cheesy it was, giving Cas a mixtape. God, he’d been a blushing mess when he’d given it to him. No amount gruff remarks about Cas’s poor music taste could cover up the fact that he’d specifically picked out every song for Cas. Nor could it hide the fact that every song held a deeper meaning, and even if he tried denying it to himself, he hoped Cas would pick up on it.

Knowing that it was probably a bad idea, Dean gripped the track, and began walking the short distance to his room. 

Upon entering his, much less neat, room, he closed the door behind him, and let his duffle fall to the floor with a dull thump. He rummaged through his desk drawer, and found his Walkman and headphones. After a moment of hesitation, Dean clicked the mixtape into the Walkman, slipped his headphones on, and slid slowly down to the floor.

It was when the first notes of ‘Thank You’ began that Dean felt the familiar, metaphorical, crack in his chest.

_ If the sun refused to shine  _

_ I would still be loving you  _

_ When mountains crumble to the sea _

_ There will still be you and me _

Dean closed his eyes and let the lyrics slide over him. It was just him, zepp, and the dark. After several seconds, a pair of intense blue eyes formed in front of him, followed shortly by a stubbled jaw and messy black hair. It was a familiar memory, a fond one. Cas, for once, was in comfortable clothing -deans sweat pants and old AC/DC shirt- and they were sitting in the tv room watching Footloose. 

_ “I don’t understand how anyone would think dancing has any correlation on how much a person drinks.” Cas had said, making dean laugh.  _

He remembers, as he watched Castiel squint and tilt his head at the screen, feeling a warm ball curl up his stomach.

He’d known he’d loved him then too. 

It was then Dean felt the first sob wrack his body. 

_Little_ _drops of rain whisper of the pain _

_ Tears of loves lost in the days gone by  _

_ My love is strong, with you there is no wrong _

In comfort of the privacy of his room, Dean let himself go, completely. Let himself feel every little prickle of emotion take him over. All the pain, all the guilt,  all the regret. 

_ Together we shall go until we die  _

_ My, my, my inspiration is what you are to me  _

_ Inspiration look, see _

The tears were streamingdown his face now, never stopping. He tasted them in his mouth when sucked in deep uneven breathes. It felt like a hand had reached inside his chest, and was squeezing his lungs and heart like they were nothing. He wiped away the tears as best as he could with the palm of his hand, but all his efforts were futile. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t stop. All he could do was cry. 

Dean pulled at his hair, and clenched his teeth together, only slightly quieting the whimpers escaping his mouth. 

Cas was dead. He was gone, his body nothing but ashes floating in the sky. Dean had seen Cas die so many freakin times, and each time it happened it hurt more and more. He always came back though, but it felt different this time. Something about it felt far more permanent. 

He’d never see Cas again. 

His head hurt and his nose was disgustingly runny, but he couldn’t find any willpower inside himself to stop. So, let himself sit on the cold floor, his entire body shaking from his deep sobs. 

“Hey, Dean I ju-“ Sam stepped into the room, his face turning worried at the sight of his older brother. 

Dean looked up trough blurry eyes to see his brothers smudged face at his door. Dean sucked in a shuttering breath. If he looked nearly as awful as he felt, he could understand Sam’s complete shock and worry. Normally, Dean would suck it up and put on a good face. He had to be Sammys big, strong, older brother, but he couldn’t do it. 

“Hey, hey.” Sam soothed running over to Dean, falling to his knees to put a concerned hand on Dean shoulder. “What happened?”

Dean looked over at Sam with his more than likely red eyes, and sniffed. Never in a million years would he tell Sam any of this. All of this pain, and hurt, and crap didn’t need to be dumped on Sam’s shoulders. This was Deans problem, not Sam’s. 

Dean almost shook his and pushed Sam away before he looked deeper into his eyes and saw the concern.  He saw the understanding.  Sam already knew, and he probably always had. He wasn’t doing this out of curiosity, he was doing this because he wanted to help. 

He was on the floor bawling, and Sam had seen it, seen all of it. It was too late to turn back. There was no way to walk out of this without Sam keeping any of his ignorance. Sam knew, and he wasn’t gonna forget about it. He was here, and he was offering a shoulder to cry on.

And Dean really needed that right now.

“I never told him.” Dean shuttered, his headphones falling off onto the floor with a clatter. “I never told him I loved him, and now he’s gone.”

Sam’s face fell, not in pity, but in sadness. 

“Hey, hey.” Sam comforted, wrapping Dean in a warm hug. “It’s okay.”

Dean couldn’t find the strength hug back, but he appreciated it nonetheless. He was sobbing, and wiping tears and snot all over Sam’s shoulder, and he half expected Sam to run away in disgust. But he didn’t, he stayed put. Never once moving, even though Dean was shuttering and whimpering non understandable confessions of regret. Sam stayed until Deans tears became nothing but dried tracks on his cheeks. 

\- - - - -

Dean had talked face to face with Death, and he hadn’t been scared. He’d been ready. He was done, with the pain, with the guilt, with his life, maybe even life in general. People he loved kept dying. First it was Dad, then it was Bobby, Kevin, Charlie, and then it was Mom, again. Even Cas, who’d always managed to come back no matter what, who always managed to make his return when Dean needed him the most, was gone. 

Sam knew something was up, he always knew. Sam knew Dean better than most people, and all it took was one look to see that Dean wasn’t alright. It been worse since Sam had witnessed Dean’s little break down two weeks ago. He was understanding, and worried, but Dean was tired of Sam looking at him like he was broken. Which he was, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t tired of being reminded about it.

“I just need a win.” Dean breathed out, gazing tiredly at Sam. He turned away and sauntered back to the drivers seat of the impala. 

He just wanted to listen to some music and stare at the open road. Simple as that. No talking, no feelings, just pure silence. 

And, thankfully, Sam relented and gave Dean his wish.

Several hours of driving later, Sam was sound asleep in the passengers seat.The music was quiet enough for Sam to remain sleeping, but loud enough to drown out any dark thoughts roaming around in Dean’s skull. It worked well enough, far better than Dean could have hoped. And with the life Dean has led, he wasn’t one to look a gifted horse in the mouth. So, he let the classic rock music wash over him, and drove further into the dark open road.

It was at the shrill ring of his phone that Sam jolted awake, with a wipe of his hand across the drool on his cheek. Dean reached inside his pocket and brought out the cause of the noise. It was unknown caller. But, as normal, without a second thought Dean answered the phone.

“Yeah.”

A deep sigh came from the other line.

“Hello, Dean.” a gravelly,  achingly familiar, voice greeted.

Dean felt the air in his lungs rush out of his lungs, causing him to nearly choke when he looked over at Sam.

His younger brother, having just awoken from a nap, was far more confused than usual, and was looking at Dean with creased brow and curious frown. He mouthed out a quick ‘who is it’ to which Dean didn’t answer. He only gripped the phone tighter in palm of his hand, andreleased a shuttering breathe, ignoring the newfound wetness in his eyes. 

It wasn’t possible. Dean’s had the shittiest luck of any human being out there, and crap like this didn’t happen to him. People coming back to life was a regular occurrence. But getting something he’d begged and pleaded with God, or chuck or whatever, with a thousand times, never happened to him. 

But, maybe for once in his life something worked out.

“...Cas?”

\- - - - -

It took several hours to get that alleyway, all of which were filled with Sam’s worried glances and plausible explanations. Dean didn’t have an answer to any of Sam’s questions. And, of course, Sam was doubtful, so was Dean, but he couldn’t help the ever growing ball of hope in his chest. 

The first thing he saw was a bright, blue cross, glowing neon in the midnight sky. The alley was dirty and smelled like rotten food. A balled up discarded take out trash tumbled across the dirty ground like a weed in a desert. It was cold and slightly rainy, but Dean didn’t notice a thing. All that mattered was the man in the trench coat standing by the pay phone. 

Sam was wary, as he should be, standing outside the car, staring on at the face of the angel they knew so well. Dean on the other hand, had no amount of hesitation in him. He wished he had, because it would be a hell of a lot easier if this turned out to not be Cas. Hope and Dean had never gotten along. Mostly because having hope meant that when shit, inevitably, hit the fan, which it always did, it would hurt far more than if he had no hope at all. 

But when he looked into those blue eyes, intense and beautiful as always, he didn’t see something pretending to be Cas. He saw Cas. He saw the same guy who pulled him out of hell all those years ago, the same guy who knew pop culture references, but didn’t really understand them. It was the same guy who Dean fell in love with a long, long time ago. 

“Cas, is that really you?” Dean asked, more so out of obligation than anything else. Deep down he knew it was Cas, even if every past experience was screaming at him not to believe that. 

“No.” Sam breathed out, his voice chalked full of denial. “You’re dead.”

“Yeah.” Cas agreed, inching closer to them. Dean stayed in place, roaming his eyes all over Cas’s face. 

Sam remained rigid, taking a small step backwards. 

“I was.” Cas continued, stopping a couple feet in front of the two brothers. “But then I annoyed an ancient, cosmic being so much he sent me back.” 

Cas smiled, humor coloring his face. It was as if something so strange, was something he found amusement in. Then again, Cas always was humored by the strangest of things. 

“I don’t even know what to say.” Sam said, voice cracking.

There was a long pause, before Dean began to move forward, locking eyes with Castiel. “Well I do.” 

He took two long strides towards Cas, and wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace. After a moment, he felt Cas’s hands wind around his back, in an almost hesitant touch. Dean tucked his face into the crook of Castiel’s neck and breathed him in. 

In the back of his head, there was a voice, one that only weeks ago he would have listened to, screaming at him to back away. Sam was right behind them, observing every move Cas and he made. Dean wasn’t stupid, he knew how this looked. They were wrapped in each others arms, unmoving and silent. It was far more than two friends would do, and Sam could see that. But Dean didn’t care, not anymore. Sam knew anyways, he’d sat there as nothing more than a comforting shoulder to cry on when Dean had word vomited his feelings all over the place. Sam hadn’t had a single a judgement then, and didn’t have one now. 

Dean pulled away from Cas, far enough so he could rest his head on Castiel’s. Their noses were bumping against each other, and breath intermingling. Dean wanted to wait. They were in a smelly alleyway being watched by his brother, now wasn’t the best time. But with Cas’s breath hot against his lips, Dean couldn’t control himself. 

Slowly, Dean brought his lips to Castiel’s. There was no urgency in the kiss, which was surprising seeing as they’d danced around their feelings for years. It was simply a soft pressing of their lips together that, somehow, conveyed all the feelings they never said aloud. 

They broke apart for air, more so for Dean than Castiel, leaving their foreheads pressed together. Dean opened his eyes to stare directly into Cas’s wide blue ones, and whispered “Don’t you ever die again, you hear?”

Cas brought his hand up to Deans cheek to wipe away a stray tear Dean hadn’t realized he’d let loose, and smiled.

“Okay.”

_And so today, my world it smiles _  
_Your hand in mine, we walk the miles _  
_Thanks to you it will be done _  
_For you to me are the only one_  
_Happiness, no more be sad _  
_Happiness, I'm glad_

_If the sun refused to shine _  
_I would still be loving you _  
_Mountains crumble to the sea _  
_There will still be you and me_

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there readers! If you made it this far, I’d like to thank you for reading through any of my stupid mistakes. This is my first fanfic on this site, as well as my first Destiel fic! So, I’d like to apologize for any grammatical errors, or anything else of that nature. 
> 
> I really wanted create this one shot, mostly because I wanted write about Dean and Cas. Also, because I have this WIP that I’m writing, and I’m struggling with it. I figured that it might help to start smaller and work my way up. Hopefully, this will help build my way up to my WIP (which is very large, and will involve multiple chapters and multiple ‘books’)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little one shot, and if not I’m incredibly sorry you had to suffer through reading it!
> 
> Link to “Thank You” -LED Zepplin  
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=u1z4vkPWkLQ


End file.
